Christmas came early this year for us in the form of an unexpected phone call on Tuesday, November 11th. That Tuesday morning, I was struggling. Struggling with the frustration of the process not being finished yet. Struggling with the fact that we seemed to be lost in the system. Struggling with guilt over being frustrated that it seemed as though every path I have traveled has been littered in obstacles. Struggling with fear, and shame over being jealous of everyone who seemed to be having it's easy.
You see, I love this crazy beautiful life I live - but like everyone - I can get caught up in the what ifs and the perpetual cycle of self doubt. Tuesday the 11th just happened to be a day off to celebrate the sacrifices of the heroes and veterans, and I was spending the morning wallowing in a pity party. I attribute most of it to anxiety from work over the prior weeks. Anyway.. That evening I called our caseworker back about some forms she asked that we update.. As we were talking, she then asked a question that would forever change our life. She asked me if we would be interested in sharing our profile with a mother who wanted to place her newborn up for adoption! My immediate reaction was no way! We don't have a nursery, we wanted to foster first, we're not prepared. I immediately began asking questions. The questions led to limited answers and two days of sleepless nights for my partner and I (little did we know, this would be the first of many). All we knew was this mother was due to give birth by C-Section at the end of the week, and that she wanted a same-sex family for her child.
On Thursday, November 13th, I called our case worker to let her know that yes - we would let her submit our profile - all she had was a simple little pdf printed copy of our family books! I had just completed our profile and was waiting for the printed version from Shutterfly.
The 48 hours following agreeing to having our SW submit our profile were excruciating. I went to work and walked in a fog, running through scenarios in my head. The questions, the doubt, the fear, the excitement, the "I want to get excited but can't because it may not even happen" struggle is real! Thursday evening our SW had still not been able to get in touch with the first family to provide our profile, but assured us she would do so by Friday morning. Friday at work was a whirlwind of waiting, checking my phone, and trying to teach my kiddos- it is all a blur of nerves in my memory! Around lunch time, I got a text that a baby girl was born and healthy. No additional information was available, and our SW had no information about the mom or if she had chosen a family yet. Waiting..
On Saturday morning we were still waiting. We had gone to target on Friday evening to "look" at baby stuff, but couldn't bring ourselves to buy anything for fear of jinxing the adoption. It was amazing how quickly we went from "I don't think we can do this, are we crazy?" to "I hope with all my heart that this baby girl is going to be ours". I wrestled with guilt of wanting another woman, another mother, to place her child with me in order to fulfill a dream of mine. Friday night was a sleepless night as we still had no more information. By Saturday at lunch time, we had decided that we just needed to get out of the house. We pulled each other out of the pile of blankets on the couch and had just begun to get ready for our day when my phone rang - I will never forget that moment - I answered the phone with fear that the answer was not going to be one we wanted to hear. It was the complete opposite, instead it was our SW asking "Are you ready to come and meet your baby girl?". I immediately began crying, trying to get the information from her I would need - what did we do, where do we go, when can we see her?
Saturday November 15th, 2014 will forever be etched in my heart. I will guard the memories of excitement, of disbelief, of fear, of intense love with every fiber of my being for all of my days. We were able to go to the hospital and meet our beautiful baby girl. The next two days were beautiful, and I now know exactly what love at first sight feels like. It is a breathtaking emotion, one that I relieve every morning when I get my beautiful little girl up for the day.
I will share more of our journey through those early days soon, but I wanted to start documenting it all here now.
Christmas came early here, and a woman gave me a gift I could not easily give myself, the gift of motherhood. I will forever owe this woman immense amounts of gratitude. I am thankful for her courage, for her choice, for her ability to love "our daughter" enough to choose us for her. This adoption story is one in which I truly believe was designed by God. There have been few moments in my lifetime in which I can truly say with 100% confidence that I could feel God's guidance.. but this was one of them.
On Thursday, November 13th, I called our case worker to let her know that yes - we would let her submit our profile - all she had was a simple little pdf printed copy of our family books! I had just completed our profile and was waiting for the printed version from Shutterfly.
The 48 hours following agreeing to having our SW submit our profile were excruciating. I went to work and walked in a fog, running through scenarios in my head. The questions, the doubt, the fear, the excitement, the "I want to get excited but can't because it may not even happen" struggle is real! Thursday evening our SW had still not been able to get in touch with the first family to provide our profile, but assured us she would do so by Friday morning. Friday at work was a whirlwind of waiting, checking my phone, and trying to teach my kiddos- it is all a blur of nerves in my memory! Around lunch time, I got a text that a baby girl was born and healthy. No additional information was available, and our SW had no information about the mom or if she had chosen a family yet. Waiting..
On Saturday morning we were still waiting. We had gone to target on Friday evening to "look" at baby stuff, but couldn't bring ourselves to buy anything for fear of jinxing the adoption. It was amazing how quickly we went from "I don't think we can do this, are we crazy?" to "I hope with all my heart that this baby girl is going to be ours". I wrestled with guilt of wanting another woman, another mother, to place her child with me in order to fulfill a dream of mine. Friday night was a sleepless night as we still had no more information. By Saturday at lunch time, we had decided that we just needed to get out of the house. We pulled each other out of the pile of blankets on the couch and had just begun to get ready for our day when my phone rang - I will never forget that moment - I answered the phone with fear that the answer was not going to be one we wanted to hear. It was the complete opposite, instead it was our SW asking "Are you ready to come and meet your baby girl?". I immediately began crying, trying to get the information from her I would need - what did we do, where do we go, when can we see her?
Saturday November 15th, 2014 will forever be etched in my heart. I will guard the memories of excitement, of disbelief, of fear, of intense love with every fiber of my being for all of my days. We were able to go to the hospital and meet our beautiful baby girl. The next two days were beautiful, and I now know exactly what love at first sight feels like. It is a breathtaking emotion, one that I relieve every morning when I get my beautiful little girl up for the day.
I will share more of our journey through those early days soon, but I wanted to start documenting it all here now.
Christmas came early here, and a woman gave me a gift I could not easily give myself, the gift of motherhood. I will forever owe this woman immense amounts of gratitude. I am thankful for her courage, for her choice, for her ability to love "our daughter" enough to choose us for her. This adoption story is one in which I truly believe was designed by God. There have been few moments in my lifetime in which I can truly say with 100% confidence that I could feel God's guidance.. but this was one of them.
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