Fearless Flying

Dear Self, It's okay that you are anxious right now. You are scared, and you want to do all the things the right way. You're doing okay. Yes, these days seem long and the information is overwhelming. Embrace it. Give that new diagnosis a big hug, and remind yourself to take life on in the same way your sweet little one does. Arms wide open, eyes wide, heart full. Be confident in your ability to trust your own judgement. Remind yourself that these moments will pass all too quickly.  What I just wrote is what I try and tell myself every day. I need these reminders. As a parent of a toddler with multiple different developmental concerns and deficits, I get caught up in the scary web I weave with the threat of anxiety. I want to do what is right, help her overcome all the obstacles in her path. I want to fight right next to her as she learns new skills, re-learns other ones, and conquers these mountains.  Our current mountains include continued physical developmental dela...

So much time has passed since I last blogged but I feel the calling. I need a place to record thoughts, to share ideas, and to seek solace in self-expression. So I am back. I don't know where this blog will go, or what direction it will take but most likely it will evolve into stories of my day to day life with our adopted daughter, stories from my classroom, and tall tales of silly life events. In the months that I have been gone I have gained a toddler that has replaced my tiny baby. This toddler is adventurous and fearless. She seeks out endless activities and is never stopped by anything. This child has a free spirit and nothing can contain her (not even the baby gates any more). So I'll complete today's post with a summary of where we have been, and where we are going. Our adoption of love bug is still not complete, not due to anything more than timelines, paperwork, and medical issues. Little one was diagnosed with Epilepsy at 7 months old, and while it is mil...

The Christmas holidays came quickly around here - began the day we brought Harper home, and it continues. The adventures of parenting have been hilarious, overwhelming, terrifying, and rewarding. I am head over heels in love with this little one and I wouldn't trade her beginnings for the world.  Those first few days we were so lucky to be supported by a close friend who loaded our car up with outfits, blankets, formula, and a swing! She also had tons of great advice on how to find community, books to read, and most of all reassured me that my extreme anxiety was totally normal. Another amazing friend made sure Miss Harper had  a comfy place to sleep and great bottles! Those small gestures were amazing sanity savers - I had no idea there would be so many decisions to make regarding baby stuff! I had (and still have) so many questions.  Our first days were a blur of fixing formula,snuggling, figuring out what we needed for her, and wrapping our heads round the fact that ye...

Christmas came early this year for us in the form of an unexpected phone call on Tuesday, November 11th. That Tuesday morning, I was struggling. Struggling with the frustration of the process not being finished yet. Struggling with the fact that we seemed to be lost in the system. Struggling with guilt over being frustrated that it seemed as though every path I have traveled has been littered in obstacles. Struggling with fear, and shame over being jealous of everyone who seemed to be having it's easy. You see, I love this crazy beautiful life I live - but like everyone - I can get caught up in the what ifs and the perpetual cycle of self doubt. Tuesday the 11th just happened to be a day off to celebrate the sacrifices of the heroes and veterans, and I was spending the morning wallowing in a pity party. I attribute most of it to anxiety from work over the prior weeks. Anyway.. That evening I called our caseworker back about some forms she asked that we update.. As we were talki...

Fall is my favorite time of year - and I realize I share this sentiment with many others who love the crisp cool air, the pumpkin spice (yes I said it!) best of all - hooded sweatshirts. Last fall was when my partner and I began the journey to becoming Foster Parents. I dreamed that by this fall we would be playing in pumpkin patches with kiddos, and helping families reunify. Unfortunately, the state of North Carolina seems to take their own sweet time when it comes to processing paperwork. I am beginning to feel so impatient with the process, and there are days when I feel like we will never get everything approved. Currently, our pre-placement assessment is complete so we could technically start an adoption process, BUT we cannot foster. It all makes so little sense to me!  It is so hard to remind myself to take a step back and recognize that things happen for a reason and that there is a plan.  I watched so many friends with their children on Halloween and part of me was so...

School is back in session and the craziness that is September is in full swing. I love my job as a special education teacher for children with extreme behavior needs and mental illnesses... But I watch the system fail them over and over again. Rather than provide a continuum of care of for them that is focused on holistic healing and care for the child and family system, we have a system who responds minimally to a child in crisis. I say system - schools, doctors, therapists, teachers, parents, foster parents, agencies, child welfare workers, etc - these children slide through the cracks in a community that lacks a true understanding of the issues surrounding these beautiful souls. I work on the front lines daily, I watch repeated attempts at helping these children fail - not due to a lack of genuine caring and love, but from the sheer lack of understanding of the demons these individuals fight. I titled this post September Slide because it is a term I learned from my mom years ago in ...